Valentine Heart

Yesterday it began, the heartbeat became personal
because I felt every beat--each rapid beat.
My chest pumps, my carotids swell,
my brain freezes and I get dizzy as hell.

I guess I'm old enough to know why,
it's the medication. I'm filled with drugs and have
to maintain my daily 'fix' for life, the doc said.

For life? How long will that be, will I be on drugs
til I die? No wonder the world is collapsing, I feel
as if we have too much stress worrying about what the
future holds, and many just give up. I'm thinking about it,
but where would that leave Pat?

She wants to get married but it's an alien thing to me.

I don't feel as if I have done her any favors by staying with her
this long, and yet it's too late to jump ship now. I'm beyond the point
of no return, heading to nowhere, feeling the heartbeat as if it were
talking to me personally. Where did I go wrong? What didn't I do right?

Thoughts on the post-Valentine's Day Crisis, Sunday morning..all because
I forgot to give Pat a card.

Damn.